Ultimate Birthday Rap Battle

BAELISH: Welcome to King's Landing, a city of kings and whores

where anything can happen.

 

PYCELLE: Yes, quite right.

 

VARYS: Do be careful, 'cause [bad word] s about to get real.

 

ROBERT BARATHEON: Ho….

Well, I'm the [bad word]  King

Robert Baratheon, wrathful and nasty, when I

drop the [bad word]  hammer, invade like a pathogen, now

gimme three whores, so I can smack that [bad word] again, and

build a bigger orphanage to put all my [bad word] in.

My wife's a brother [bad word] and a straight-up [bad word] 
who gave me three blonde [bad word]  but her daddy is rich

Wine! All this [bad word] lickin''s makin' me sick

I thank the gods that a boar put a tusk through my pancreas.

 

CERSEI: I gestated my bro's DNA…

 

TYRION: Not mine.

 

CERSEI: …thought my inbred kids were okay…

 

NED: Seriously?

 

CERSEI: …but I'm afraid that…

 

TYRION & NED: Joffrey is a half-wit, demented, sadistic piece of [bad word] 

 

JOFFREY: You better say that I'm the king or I'll chop off your head

I'll put your genitals in the genital jar I keep in a drawer beside my bed-

 

SANSA: Your grace.

 

JOFFREY: Yes, give her a gift, hit her in the face.

 

SANSA: Why?!

 

JOFFREY: Women are so weak and weary

bring her back when she has her period.

Burn the traitors, crush the North, kill the babies, [bad word] the poor,

I'm so bored with cutting out tongues, but I'm gettin' it done, mutilating whores

 

MARGAERY: Is this yours?

 

JOFFREY: Yes, it is.

 

MARGAERY: Talk about killing. I love that [bad word]  Stabbing, hacking, blood and guts….

 

JOFFREY: Hold on--I'm about to [bad word] 

 

VARYS: Sadly, I cannot.

 

PYCELLE: No [bad word]  quite right.

 

BAELISH: sorcerer cut off your junk, we know. At least it wasn't your head.

 

VARYS: Poor Ned Stark. What will the North do?

 

PYCELLE: My [bad word] is like baking soda.

 

VARYS: The Stark bannermen?

 

BANNERMEN: Oh... yeah!

 

ROBB: Oh hell yeah!

 

BAELISH: Why are they so [bad word] happy?

 

BANNERMEN: Whut whut??? Ho!!! North side! All hail King in the North, Robb Stark. Ho…..

 

ROBB: Yeah, yeah…

we fight for independence, it's a glorious day

'cause I married for love, and it's cool with the Freys

Yeah, we're heading to a wedding, gonna party today

and I'm gonna be a dad?! God, everything's great!

 

BANNERMEN: Hey!

 

CATELYN: Winter is coming.

 

ROBB: So we'll hang out inside!

 

CATELYN: But Winterfell burned down, Robb…

 

ROBB: Look on the bright side.

Lemme hear my Starks: are we doin' alright?

 

BRAN: Father's dead, we're homeless, and I'm crippled for life.

 

RICKON: I'm hungry.

 

ARYA: I'm alone in the middle of a war.

 

ROBB: Yeah!

 

SANSA: I love the [bad word] boy, but I married the dwarf.

 

ROBB: See that's what I'm talkin' 'bout, we're havin' a ball

 

LYSA: I'm gonna breastfeed Robin 'til my [bad word] fall off.

 

NORTHWOMEN: We are the North!

 

ROBIN: Yay!

 

ROBB: Brienne, how's it going with the Kingslayer?

 

BRIENNE: Rapists have me and I'm fighting a bear!

 

NORTHWOMEN: We are the North!

 

ROBB: Cool! How's it hangin', Theon?

 

THEON: Really bad!

 

ARYA: I met a lady who had demons in her vag!

 

NORTHWOMEN: