Tatyana's Letter to Onegin

(Translated by JAMES E. FALEN)
 I'm writing you this declaration- 
What more can I in candour say? 
It may be now your inclination 
To scorn me and to turn away; 
But if my hapless situation 
Evokes some pity for my woe, 
You won't abandon me, I know. 
I first tried silence and evasion; 
Believe me, you 'd have never learned 
My secret shame, had I discerned 
The slightest hope that on occasion- 
But once a week-I'd see your face, 
Behold you at our country place, 
Might hear you speak a friendly greeting, 
Could say a word to you; and then, 
Could dream both day and night again 
Of but one thing, till our next meeting. 
 
 They say you like to be alone 
And find the country unappealing; 
We lack, I know, a worldly tone, 
But still, we [bad word] you with feeling.  

Why did you [bad word] to call? 
 In this forgotten country dwelling 
 I'd not have known you then at all, 
 Nor known this bitter heartache's swelling. 
 Perhaps, when time had helped in quelling 
 The girlish hopes on which I fed, 
 I might have found (who knows?) another 
 And been a faithful wife and mother, 
 Contented with the life I led. 
 
 Another! No! In all creation 
There's no one else whom I'd adore; 
The heavens chose my destination 
And made me thine for evermore! 
My life till now has been a token In pledge of meeting you, my friend; 
And in [bad word]  God has spoken, 
You'll be my guardian till the end… 
 
You filled my dreams and sweetest trances; 
As yet unseen, and yet so dear, 
 You stirred me with your wondrous glances, 
 Your voice within my soul rang clear… 
And then the dream came [bad word] for me! 
 When you came in, I seemed to waken, 
I turned to flame, I felt all shaken, 
And in my heart I cried: It's he! 
 
 

And was it you I heard replying 
 Amid the stillness of the night, 
 Or when I helped the poor and dying, 
 Or turned to heaven, softly crying, 
 And said a prayer to soothe my plight? 
 And even now, my dearest vision, 
 Did I not see your apparition 
 Flit softly through this lucent night? 
 Was it not you who seemed to hover 
 Above my bed, a gentle lover, 
 To whisper hope and sweet delight? 
 Are you my angel of salvation 
 Or [bad word] #39;s own demon of temptation? 
 
 Be kind and send my doubts away; 
 For this may all be mere illusion, 
 The things a simple girl would say, 
 While Fate intends no grand conclusion… 
 So be it then! Henceforth I place 
My faith in you and your affection; 
I plead with tears upon my face 
And beg you for your kind protection. 
You cannot know: I'm so alone, 
There's no one here to whom I've spoken, 
My mind and will are almost broken, 
And I must die without a moan. 
I wait for you… and your decision: 
Revive my hopes with but a sign, 
Or halt this heavy dream of mine- 
Alas, with well-deserved derision! 

 I close. I dare not now reread…
 I shrink with shame and fear. 
But surely, Your honour's all the pledge I need, 
And I submit to it securely.