I'm a Textpert (Rap Battle)

Original music video: youtu.be/FWj42BxDXCU
 [bad word] rhett_and_link)

— Hey.
— Whatcha doing?
— Driving, whatcha doing?
— Driving and texting.
— Hmm. Are you sure you should be doing that?

[Link]:
Yes, because I'm a textpert:
An expert at texting.
Rejecting, the notion that you think I'll be wrecking,
Due to the fact that I'm distracted?!
I multi-task best behind the wheel when I get textually active.

YOU should keep both eyes on the road, sir. For real,
You'll look down, look up and end up in the trunk of another automobile.
Leave it to a pro. Be incommunicado,
Until you get to where you need to go, this conversation's O. Ver

— No it isn't.
— Yes it is.
— No it isn't!

[Rhett]:
Cause I'm a textpert! An expert at texting.
Pressing, my keypad when my car's not resting.
I can divide my attention up,
I got so much attention, I've got an eleven-tion.

With one eye on the road; one eye on my phone.
I texted-in this drive-thru order for my latte and scone.
Thank you.
Now I'm-n-a text-n-eat-n-sip-n-dip and shift
It in to and then chin-drive home.

I'm a textpert.
textin' traveler who doesn't need a chauffeur-eur-eur-eur-eur.
I'm a textpert.
Don't worry, nobody's gonna get hurt-urt-urt-urt-urt.

[Link]:
Sometimes I text both sides of a conversation,
Cause it's tough to keep up with my text-ual pacing.
On rare occasion, when I've got nothing to text about,
I text myself reminders of what I'm doing now.

[Rhett]:
I carry on, more concurrent conversations,
Than one phone alone is prone to accept.
So, I've
Tested and perfected my patented method:
The second handset hands-free toe text.

[Link]:
I ride with my Swedish Masseuse,
She gimme deep tissue thumb shiatzu.

[Rhett]:
My yogi shows me hand yoga poses, like:
Downward Facing Pinky and Thumb Lotus.

[Link]:
I'll never stoop so low, as to text photos,
Instead I text the correct combo of 1's and 0's.

[Rhett]:
I'm an artiste! Using ASCII!
I just texted this toad to an art gallery.

[Link]:
I text more, than the next bored pre-pubescent tween!
In fact I've text-induced my own second puberty!

[Rhett]:
How does that work exactly?

[Link]:
Everything that happened before is happening some more,
That's all I'm comfortable sharing at this time...

[Rhett]:
I gave a lift to a drifter!
And texted his estranged sister,
And now I'm hostin' em here for dinner!

[Link]:
Well did I mention I'm a text-itrician?
next-gen OB/GYN, a Lamaze text-nician.

[Rhett]:
Well, I'm the next Dr. Phil of SMS.

[Link]:
I'm poppin' out babies with the power of text!

I'm a textpert.
textin' traveler who doesn't need a chauffeur-eur-eur-eur-eur.
I'm a textpert.
Don't worry, nobody's gonna get hurt-urt-urt-urt-urt.

— By the way, where're you headed son?
— Headed West on 421
— 421?
— Uh-huh
— West?!
— Yes. You?
— Me? I'm headed...

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