Busking

We like to busk on the underground
We stand in a corner right here
But the licensing men in some office
They come and they just interfere

They’re censoring all of our lyrics
It’s such a remarkable thing
They give us some new words each morning
And here’s what they’re making us sing:

Don’t leave your bags unattended
Please let passengers get off the train before boarding
Services on the Bakerloo line are suspended
And don’t commit crime because CCTV is recording

The roof at Embankment is in an unstable condition
You are advised to seek out an alternative route
If you notice a person whose actions give you suspicion
And you think that he looks a bit foreign then please do not shoot.

They took us up into some office
And here’s the advice that they gave:
‘We need songs that enhance people’s safety
And make the commuters behave.’

Please mind the gap and the pickpockets here at this station
No flash photography, please put out your cigarette
When the weather is hot, avoid dehydration
But surfaces may become slippery when it is wet.

If you notice a chemical smell and you’re next to a man
And he’s shouting and praying to Allah and acting berserk
Remain where you are and keep as calm as you can
There’s a very good chance that his bomb doesn’t actually work.