(The Legend of) Miss Baltimore Crabs

[TRACY]
I brought my own 45's, so if you wanna put them on, I'll show you my stuff!

[AMBER]
Haven't you shown us enough?

(VELMA]
Oh, my God, how times have changed!
This girl's either blind or completely deranged
Oh, the time seemed to halt
When I was Miss Baltimore Crabs

[TRACY]
It's always been my dream to dance on this show!

[AMBER]
Aww, maybe you ought to go back to sleep

[VELMA]
Childhood dreams for me were cracked
When that [bad word] Shirley Temple stole my friggin' act!
But the crown's in the vault
From when I won Miss Baltimore Crabs

Those poor runner-ups might still hold some grudges
They padded their cups, but I screwed the judges
Those broads thought they'd win
If a plate they would spin in their dance
Ha! Not a chance!

'Cuz I hit the stage, batons ablaze!
While belting high Cs and preparing cheese soufflés!
But that triple somersault
Is how I clinched Miss Baltimore Crabs!

[AMBER]
Oh, almost dinner time! Shouldn't you be waddling along?

[VELMA]
Amber! Haven't I taught you not to judge a book by its cover?

[AMBER]
No...

[VELMA]
Oh! This is America, where everyone deserves a separate, but equal chance to fail. I'll handle this
Are you scared we're on live?

[TRACY]
No, I'm sure I can cope

[AMBER / VELMA]
Well, this show isn't broadcast in-

[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
Cinemascope!

[VELMA]
I never drank one chocolate malt-
No desserts for Miss Baltimore Crabs

[COUNCIL MEMBER]
How many sweaters do you own?

[AMBER]
Well, I'm sure, I've got plenty
Let me see, I have three, five
Wait, I have twenty!

[VELMA]
I would say, "Oy, gevalt!"
But I can't... I'm Miss Baltimore Crabs!

[COUNCIL MEMBER]
You're too wide from the back

[AMBER]
Honey, look at her front!

[VELMA]
Wait, are we on Candid Camera?
Okay, where's Allen Funt?

[AMBER]
Do you dance like you dress?

[LINK]
Girls, there's no need to be cruel

[VELMA]
Would you swim in an integrated pool?

[TRACY]
I sure would! I'm all for integration. It's the new frontier!

[VELMA]
Not in Baltimore, it isn't

[TRACY]
Can I audition for Corny now?

[VELMA]
Mmm... I'm his producer, and may I be frank?
First impressions can be tough and when I saw you, I knew it
If your size weren't enough, your last answer just blew it!

And so, my dear, so loud and stout
You'll never be in-

[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
So we're kicking you out!

[VELMA]
With your form and your face, well it isn't your fault
You're just down with a case of Miss Baltimore Crabs!
You may go

[TRACY]
Uh, thank you?

[PENNY]
I could tell, they really liked you!

[LITTLE INEZ]
Hello ma'am, I want to audition

[VELMA]
And I wanna be 18 again...
How about you bow and exalt?
For I was Miss Baltimore Crabs!

[COUNCIL MEMBERS]
Crabs, crabs!

[VELMA]
Crabs!