If Your Dad Doesn't Have a Beard, You've Got Two Mums

Remember when you were 14
Your dad taught you to shave
That wasn't a very fatherly way 
For him to behave
You had to watch your first beard 
Melting down the drain
beard abandoned
a son betrayed

[Chorus]
Your Dad taught you how
And look at you now
'Cos if your dad doesn't have a beard
You've got two Mums
Two beardless Mums
If your Dad doesn't have a beard
You've got two Mums
Two beardless Mums

Remember how he watched
Your face lathered with cream
The mirror fogging over 
As the bathroom filled with steam
He put the razor in your hand
And said now let's begin
Shave with short quick strokes my son
And head towards the chin

Ooh!

[Chorus]

Oh, you've got two bearless mums, yeah
You know I can't stand to see a child 
Put through that much pain when he knows 
That he'll never see his first beard again
And you know that there is
No greater crime against the human race
Than when a father takes a razor to his own son's face

Owwww

Your dad taught you how
You're just like him now

'Cos if your dad doesn't have a beard (dad doesn't have a beard)
You've got two Mums
Two beardless Mums (beardless Mums)
Oh if your Dad doesn't have a beard (dad doesn't have a beard)
You've got two stupid-looking beardless [bad word] Mums

[Chorus]

Two beardless Mums, yeah
Two beardless Mums, all right!
Two beardless Mums (two beardless Mums)
Two beardless Mums, woo!
Two beardless Mums...