When You Are Close, I Am Gone

I can't escape these walls I’ve built to keep you safe. 
To keep you in. If you will never see them. If you will never come. 
Nights alone have ruined me: I’m wrong again. 
I’m starved again, alone again, alone again, alone, alone, alone. 
I’m hearing you repeat the old, familiar phrase, “I just can’t cope”, 
I say I feel it too. But camaraderie is suffering. It feels like speaking tongues, 
maybe I’m lying if I’m still not close to you.
Because after all this time I fall asleep just fine. 
No matter how it hurt I fall asleep just fine.
Maybe I’m meant to be alone if I can’t pull these parts together… 
I’ve probably had enough time to sort this troubled mind to structure. 
So when you’ve had enough of being stuck with “given up”, 
please don’t apologize because I’ll understand just fine. 
Another bad night: we failed again. I don’t think we can fight this depression.
But I’ll still try to ignore the signs that we are playing a losing game. 
We cannot create the same feelings. Comfort is not love. But is it close enough?
I feel alone again. It’s setting in. 
I’m learning how to settle: please don’t give in. When you are close I am gone.
Because where I am, I wont stay long. 
And I know it’s hard to wait for me when I’m afraid to let you near. 
But please don’t give in: I’ll clear my head one day. 
I’ll make you proud of me. Won’t always be so down.
I will be closer to you.
Please don’t give in. 

We are all scared. We are all stuck. 
Dreaming of better days that will never come. 
Let it go! Bring that smile back. Let it go! 
You know that we want you here. Please stop! 
Blacking out your days. Please stop! 
Saying that we will be better off without you. 
We will always find new ways to let each other down. 
New ways to scare ourselves. So if this is what you hold onto I will protect it. 
We burn with friendly fire. 
Breathe quick with anticipation, our imaginations will crush us 
but it is so hard to impress you when you’ve built these walls so high. 
But I want in. Tear you open leave you breathless and longing,
show you that you are more than what you lack,
I keep reminding myself I don’t fall in love just to fall apart.
But I still believe in us. We can right this ship.
If they don’t pull us away we will be legend.

Save me, save me, handcuff me to this bed let me sweat through the sheets,
until the voices stop and the hum quietly says your name,
until I find a better way to say that I love you.
(I want to know it doesn’t hurt) just remember that I knew you when and
I will always come back for you
(I want to know it doesn’t hurt you)
I will come back for you.
I will come back.