Point of no return

The air is fully loaded and time stop as I watch the last drop that will make the water in the glass flow over, freeze and hang there above the surface. I look at it and know so well what it means, the impact of this new situation. Tension and energy surrounds me spinning, hissing and whispering in low tones, like a wind. Restless their waiting, waiting to be released. But before it all blows, explodes and it´s too late I need just one more moment alone, one moment to make peace.

I'm curious, I’ve opened a locked door still not daring to step inside, not even to take a small peak. It is a part of myself I could never truly trust. And I'm scared, it’s not so easy to leave this nest so carefully woven over so many years. The comfort in feeling sad. To turn my back to the world and close my eyes. Embrace the darkness and escape into deep dreams, like fog, hiding me away from all threats.

And still there is this angry loud and hurt voice screaming inside of me: Who the [bad word] do you think you are? Do you think you can just leave it all behind? I despite you, it’s just so pathetic to believe that you could ever be happy, that someone could love you, care for your you, that you are worth something? You’re worth less than the ground I spit on.

No one needs you, when you think they laugh with you they laugh at you, so just shut your mouth! I can’t see one reason for a low life like you to live, you have no spine! But you have many reasons to die, you have a lot to die for, you have so much to die for...

I have to laugh silently of myself and of this bully, trying so desperately to reclaim its throne over a realm long lost, it’s too late, the step has been made, only waiting for my mind and soul to let go and catch up. It’s time to leave now. It’s time to move forward. The magic of the moment slips away as I watch the last drop fall and spill the water.