05. I'm an Ordinary Man

i find the moment i let a woman make friends with me,
she becomes jealous, exacting, suspicious, and a [bad word] nuisance.
and i find the moment i become friends with a woman,
i become selfish and tyrannical.
so here i am, a confirmed old bachelor
and likely to remain so.
after all, Pickering,
 
i'm an ordinary man
who desires nothing more than just the ordinary chance
to live exactly as he likes
and do precisely what he wants
an average man am i
of no eccentric whim
who likes to live his life
free from strife
doing whatever he thinks is best for him
just an ordinary man
but--
 
let a woman in your life
and your serenity is through
she'll redecorate your home
from the cellar to the dome
then go on to the enthralling 
fun of overhauling you
 
let a woman in your life
and you're up against a wall
make a plan, and you will find
she has something else in mind
and so rather than do either
you do something else that neither
likes at all

you want to talk of Keats or Milton
she only wants to talk of love
you go to see a play or ballet
and spend it searching for her glove
 
let a woman in your life
and you invite eternal strife
let them buy their wedding bands
for those anxious little hands
i'd be equally as willing 
for a dentist to be drilling
than to ever let a woman in my life
 
i'm a very gentle man
even-tempered and good-natured
who you'll never hear complain
who has the milk of human kindness
by the quart in every vein
a patient man am i
down to my fingertips
the sort who never could
ever would
let an insulting remark escape his lips
just a very gentle man
but--

let a woman in your life
and patience hasn't got a chance
she will beg you for advice
your reply will be concise
and she'll listen very nicely
then go out and do precisely 
what she wants

you were a man of grace and polish
who never spoke above a hush
now all at once you're using language
that would make a sailor blush
 
let a woman in your life
and you're plunging in a knife
let the others of my 
tie the knots...around their necks
i'd prefer a new edition 
of the Spanish Inquisition
than to ever let a woman in my life
 
i'm a quiet-living man
who prefers to spend the evenings 
in the silence of his room
who likes an atmosphere as restful 
as an undiscovered tomb
a pensive man am i
of philosophic joys
who likes to meditate, contemplate,
free from humanity's mad, inhuman noise
just a quiet-living man
but--

let a woman in your life
and your sabbatical is through
in a line that never ends
come an army of her friends
come to jabber and the chatter
and to tell her what the matter
is with you
she'll have a booming, boisterous family
that will descend on you "en masse"
she'll have a large, Vagnerian mother
with a voice that shatters glass
 
let a woman in your life?
let a woman in your life?
let a woman in your life...?
i shall never let a woman in my life