To Keep My Love Alive

i've been married and married
and often i've sighed
i'm never a bridesmaid
i'm always the bride
i never divorced them
i hadn't the heart
yet, remember these sweet words:
"til death do us part"
 
i married many men, a ton of them
because i was untrue to none of them
because i bumped off every one of them
to keep my love alive
 
sir paul was frail, he looked a wreck to me
at night, he was a horse's neck to me
so, i performed an appendectomy
to keep my love alive
 
sir thomas had insomnia
he couldn't sleep at night
i bought a little [bad word] he's sleeping now, all right
 
sir phillip played the harp, i cussed the thing
i crowned him with his harp, to bust the thing
and now he plays where harps are just the thing
to keep my love alive

i thought sir george had possibilities
but his flirtations made me ill-at-ease
and when i'm ill-at-ease i kill at ease
to keep my love alive

sir charles came from a sanitorium
he yelled for drinks in my emporium
i mixed one drink -- he's "in memorium"
to keep my love alive
 
sir francis was a singing bird
a nightingale, that's why
i tossed him off my balcony
to see if he could fly
 
sir athelstane indulged in fratricide
he killed his dad, and that was patricide
one night i stabbed him by my mattress side
to keep my love alive