EPIC RAP BATTLE of MANLINESS

Trimming the hedge
Yup
Me too.
22 inches electric
33cc’s gas
Are you challenging my manliness
Yes
Source: LYBIO.net

I was bornnnnnnnnnnn with hair on my chest
gleam in my eye to latch on to a breast
I cut my own umbilical cord with my razor sharp teeth
Then I drove home and my mom rode on in the back seat
I didn’t go through puberty, puberty went through me
And it was never even awkward, cause I made it happen instantly
If you addressed a letter to “man” and put it in the mail
Rest assured I’d receive it but I’m ain’t gonna be your pen pal
My time is too valuable for that
I’ll be too busy working a jackhammer

You’re a momma’s boy
I was born in an arctic cave and adopted by wolves
That’s how I was raised
I didn’t drink milk
I suckled the fangs of venomous snakes
I killed the first man that I met with just my firm handshake
I poty trained myself, you’re still bed-wetting
I smell like charcoal when I’m sweating and was the best man at my own wedding
Search Google images for masculinity
Feel free to Photoshop your face on that image of me
Creative Commons, punk
Meanwhile I’ll be adjusting some really large nuts

I rise before the sun, [bad word] circadian rhythm
I bathe with sandpaper and my underwear is denim
I shave with a box cutter blindfolded as well
Cause if I look in the mirror I intimidate myself
I’ve got no need for sleep, I never shut my eyes
I tie fishing lures while I memorize Apache war crimes
The sun comes up when I tell it I’m ready
Then I trim my nose hairs with a razor-sharpe machete

I’m manly cause I’m so handy even my feet are hands
I built a hobbit house for a homeless man without using any plans
My kids jungle gym has a full-size trapeze
And I modified my garden hose to dispense nacho cheese.
Source: LYBIO.net

I’m handy too
I rerouted my bathroom exhaust fan in to your bedroom
My right incisors’ a Phillips head screwdriver
I made my sun deck in to a holodeck where I hand out with MacGyver
My GPS gets it’s sense of direction from me
I can drive ten hours without stopping to take a leak
I don’t avert my eyes when I pass roadkill
And I teach an online course in parallel parking skills
When my car breaks down I don’t call a mechanic
I just open the hood and then I stare at it
And then I call a mechanic
But I won’t be cheated
He’s not gonna talk me in to repairs
That I didn’t know that I needed

I can sleep alone in the woods without a tent
I might get a little scared but then I get over it
I tie knots that Eagle Scouts haven’t even heard of like the double overhand figure-eight fisherman’s bird glove

Well I got the know-how to properly grill every part of a cow
And when I taste a veggie patty I just spit it out
I’ll break your face with a plate
If you want it well-done and your wife is always asking me to toast her buns

Hey, fellas everything alright here?

Ah – ya, he was just cleaning something off my shirt.

Yup, got it.

Okidoki

You guys have a great day!

I’m too much man for a manicure
I don’t even have cuticles for the sake of convenience
I keep a urinal in my cubicle
I can barefoot ski
I can smeel the fear of bees
I threw up in my mouth the one time that I watched Glee
I am my own boss
My middle name is Hoss
I don’t even know what it feels like to sit with my legs crossed

I’ve never been shopping

I don’t remove pizza toppings

I can tell the age of a moutain goat just by sniffing its droppings

You sniff mountain goat droppings?

Well –

Honey! Somebody did a stinky! Got your name on it.

Babe, the Real Houswives Marathon is about to start. And you promised to make your vegan uwee gue wee bar.