Everything Happens to Me

I make a date for golf -
You can bet you life it rains.
I try to give a party -
And the guy [bad word] 
I guess I'll go [bad word] life;
Just catchin' colds and missin' trains,
Ev'rything happens to me.

I never miss a thing -
I've had measles and the mumps.
And ev'ry time I play my ace -
My partner always [bad word] 
I guess I'm just a fool;
Who never looks before he jumps,
Ev'rything happens to me.

At first my heart tho't;
You could break this jinx for me.
That love would turn the trick;
To end my despair.
But now, I just can't fool;
This head that thinks for me.
I've mortgaged all my castles in the air.

I've telegraphed and called;
I sent "air mail special", too;
You answer was goodbye -
And there was even postage due.
I fell in love just once;
And then it had to be with you,
Ev'rything happens to me.