Happy Birthday Jesus!

Ahh, the first winter snow
The children will play and soon yellow it glows
Tis the season of giving to the less fortunate ones
So drop a dime in a bucket for a homeless bum
There’s no Santa, Virginia, but don’t you cry
I know it’s cold and it’s gray but there’s a light in the sky
Underneath it all, there lies a secret tale
Mary’s Boy Child, king of Jingle Bells

Fa la la la la la
Happy Birthday, Jesus
Christmas!

Hey Pagan devil boy, make room for Christ
king dressed in rags promising paradise
Sledding into the world on a one horse open sleigh
Bringing turtledoves, three French hens, the highest suicide rate
Your twelve apostles have become reindeer and snowmen
People ask are you married, you say “I don’t know, man”
This silent night, holy night celebrated with a cross and nails
Jesus bobble head, a Virgin Mary lingerie sale

Thanksgiving blessing cut short to go stand in line
To get the same low prices they could online
shopping spree reenactment of a night divine
Traffic jams behind the flashing red and blue lights
Call me a cynic, call me grinch, call Jack Frost
Call me Ebenezer, call me Chevy Chase’s boss
Call me what you will for pointing out what you lost
Tell me how much did that diamond cross around your neck cost?

Ole Saint Nick comes to town bearing gifts
For the good boys and girls unless you are a Jew
So little baby Jesus we say bah humbug to you
But... Surprise!

Happy Birthday Jesus, Black Friday in Hell
Your story is more unbelievable than Santa and the elves
Wonder baby Jesus, born to be a king
Your manger is a shopping center now and you’re a figurine

Your flesh is gingerbread, your blood a fruity wine
And you’re healing ornaments for lepers and the blind
The Three Wise Men had to take out a loan
To bring the newborn son of God a laptop and an iphone

Jesus [bad word] off in the market at the greed of men
People fighting for toys, do they remember then?
The true meaning of Christmas is to never own anything
But not today, I’m drunk, it’s late and now it’s Christmas morning

I see presents under the tree
I wonder how many of those are for me
Cookies and milk are gone, that jolly fat [bad word] was here
He better have left some money in my stocking this year
What the hell is this, a Walmart gift card?
That’s like taking a vacation in a psych ward
Aftershave, shaving cream, razor blades
That won’t help me with the credit cards bills that I have to pay
Another ten months of drowning in debt
Then in October I will do it again
But I don’t care because I love buying presents
Visa and Mastercard can suck my chestnuts

Happy Birthday Jesus, Black Friday in Hell
Your story is more unbelievable than Santa and the elves
Wonder baby Jesus, born to be a king
Your manger is a shopping center now and you’re a figurine

Happy Birthday Jesus!
Balloons, magicians, and candy canes
Hot cocoa and loot bags and bumper lanes
Cinnamon, frankincense ice cream cake
Happy Birthday Jesus on this Christmas day!