Game of Thrones Ultimate Birthday Rap Battle

ROBERT BARATHEON: Ho…. Well, I'm the [bad word]  King Robert Baratheon, wrathful and nasty, when I drop the [bad word]  hammer, invade like a pathogen, now gimme three whores, so I can smack that [bad word] again, and build a bigger orphanage to put all my [bad word] in. My wife's a brother [bad word] and a straight-up [bad word] who gave me three blonde [bad word]  but her daddy is rich Wine! All this [bad word] lickin''s makin' me sick I thank the gods that a boar put a tusk through my pancreas.
CERSEI: I gestated my bro's DNA…
TYRION: Not mine.
CERSEI: …thought my inbred kids were okay…
NED: Seriously?
CERSEI: …but I'm afraid that…
TYRION & NED: Joffrey is a half-wit, demented, sadistic piece of [bad word] 
JOFFREY: You better say that I'm the king or I'll chop off your head I'll put your genitals in the genital jar I keep in a drawer beside my bed-
SANSA: Your grace.
JOFFREY: Yes, give her a gift, hit her in the face.
SANSA: Why?!
JOFFREY: Women are so weak and weary bring her back when she has her period. Burn the traitors, crush the North, kill the babies, [bad word] the poor, I'm so bored with cutting out tongues, but I'm gettin' it done, mutilating whores

ROBB: Yeah, yeah… we fight for independence, it's a glorious day 'cause I married for love, and it's cool with the Freys Yeah, we're heading to a wedding, gonna party today and I'm gonna be a dad?! God, everything's great!
BANNERMEN: Hey!
CATELYN: Winter is coming.
ROBB: So we'll hang out inside!
CATELYN: But Winterfell burned down, Robb…
ROBB: Look on the bright side. Lemme hear my Starks: are we doin' alright?
BRAN: Father's dead, we're homeless, and I'm crippled for life.
RICKON: I'm hungry.
ARYA: I'm alone in the middle of a war.
ROBB: Yeah!
SANSA: I love the [bad word] boy, but I married the dwarf.
ROBB: See that's what I'm talkin' 'bout, we're havin' a ball
LYSA: I'm gonna breastfeed Robin 'til my [bad word] fall off.
NORTHWOMEN: We are the North!
ROBIN: Yay!
ROBB: Brienne, how's it going with the Kingslayer?
BRIENNE: Rapists have me and I'm fighting a bear!
NORTHWOMEN: We are the North!
ROBB: Cool! How's it hangin', Theon?
THEON: Really bad!
ARYA: I met a lady who had demons in her vag!
NORTHWOMEN: We are the North!
EVERYBODY: We are the North Side, ey! Doin' it our own way!
NORTHWOMEN: We are the North!
ROBB: Hey, it's my boy, Jon Snow! What up Jon?
SAMWELL: Um, hullo. We've got a bit of a problem at the Wall.It's… it's a bit nippy… and…
JON SNOW: There's [bad word]  Whitewalkers! [bad word] s crazy, I'm freezin' to death with thieves and rapers, had to swear off . If I could take it back, I'd take the black shove it up Craster's [bad word]  but it's too late for that, with zombies surgin' south.
SAMWELL TARLY: I'm out.
JON SNOW: I'm gonna die a virgin now, but wo-day, they was a wild woman took me into a cave, got undressed

DAENERYS: I got dragons, [bad word]  I started out with nothin' but a [bad word] older brother in a Pentos penthouse, I got pimped out to a Dothraki warlord with a horde full of slave-takin' thugs, [bad word]  like dogs in public. Queen of the savages, got three dragon eggs ate a horse heart, took it down, didn't throw up got knocked up, but I mistakenly traded in the fate of the baby, and put my hubby in a coma. Smothered his [bad word]  and built a funeral pyre, took the blood magic witch, burned the [bad word] alive, climbed in- side and fried eggs awhile--from the ash came my naked [bad word] and three reptiles. Touchin' my kids? Betta ask me. I'm the "Motha of Dragons," Pyat Pree-- yeah, that freak. Y’betta come at me with more than a manticore f'you wanna blast me.
JORAH: Khaleesi…
DAENERYS: You got a dirty mouth yeah, you best sit down before I go to town with