X Telling Me About the Loss of Something Dear, at Age 16

I looked up at the ceiling the entire time.  Well it 
  Didn't last for long.  Like 15 minutes or so.  They 
  Had said it would hurt, but it didn't. 

  His face all grumped up, veins were showing on 
  His forehead.  Closed my eyes and thought of 
  Dancers, closed my eyes and thought of dancers. 

  I thought of what my friends would say.  I 
  Thought of how my life would change.  I just laid 
  Real still there on the bed. 

  Afterwards I said, like I hear you're supposed to: 
  “Was it good for you as well” He was proud, said: 
  “OK we can do it again and maybe this time, you 
  Can do it better than this I know you can do it 
  Better than this.” 

  I faked to come, because I hear you're supposed 
  To.  There was obviously something wrong with 
  Me and I didn't want him to know. 

  I was scared he'd have a heart attack and die.  I 
  Went to work at the shoe store and waved him 
  Goodbye.  I felt sad, but I didn't know why. 

  Do you want those in red, I said.  250 with laces, I 
  Said.  Years later, I can still vision that forehead.